Preserve Your Child's Well-being
This is a rubric for happy, self-confident, well-adjusted children.
Ignoring these simple principles WILL yield detrimental outcomes for the child you love,
who is now moving between two homes because of circumstances beyond their control.
Your child needs the basic protection and security these principles offer.
1. Never speak negatively about or criticize your former spouse or in-laws to your child or anywhere around your child.
2. Never, in any way, create or cause circumstances where your child feels they must choose one parent over the other. They need to love and be loved by both of you.
3. Never communicate anything about completed or pending court proceedings to your child. Child support, attorneys, and court proceedings are adult concerns. These topics are a heavy burden little people are not strong enough to carry.
4. Never directly or indirectly interfere with your child’s legal right to parenting time with their other parent. Parenting time is the legal right of your child – guaranteeing access to their parent – not your legal right for access to your child.
5. Never argue with your former spouse in front of your child, or in circumstances where your child may overhear the argument. Walk away if the other parent starts an argument.
6. Children are not possessions and do not solely belong to you (even if you are their sole legal custodian). Notice the use of “sole” versus “soul.” Children know they are made from two people, and they need these two people to guide, protect, and nurture them.
7. Never interrogate your child after they spend time in the other parent’s care. Children should never be questioned about the co-parent's negligence, poor judgment, or social life. They should not be used to spy or collect information on the co-parent's living habits. Children need a safe bridge from which to ebb and flow between their two homes without becoming trapped in loyalty conflicts between two parents they love.
8. Always respect the fact that all children instinctively desire to love their parents, regardless of that parent’s faults and shortcomings. Your child’s love of a flawed parent does not mean they love you any less. Thus, do not try to artificially limit, restrict, or interfere with your child’s relationship and love for their other parent.
9. Do not use your child as a messenger. If you cannot talk directly to your former spouse, then send him/her a letter, text, or email. Sit with a mediator or neutral third party.
10. Never use your child as a substitute friend or confidant. Take care of your emotional needs, so you are best able to properly care for your child’s emotional needs through the difficult adjustment period following a change in the family system.
11. Never use your child as a negotiating asset in the power struggle with your former spouse, or to punish your former mate. You cannot love your child completely if you remain angry with their other parent. Model forgiveness and healing to provide your child the best chance of remaining psychologically whole after a change in the family system.
12. Parents can usually reach a more creative and child-focused solution than the judicial system is able to offer. If there are not safety concerns present (child abuse, domestic violence, substance abuse, or major mental health problems), then you and the other parent can best honor your child by working together without the emotional and financial burden of involving professionals from the legal system. Goals shape the plan, the plan shapes action, action achieves results, and results bring success!
13. Your child needs one safe place (emotionally) to emerge from your divorce feeling secure and psychologically whole. You cannot control what the other person says or does, but you have absolute control over what your child experiences in your care. Craft the safe atmosphere that children seek and need to survive this major life event and thrive.
14. Do not cause your children to date along with you. Use your own time to explore new relationships. During parenting time with you, your child needs and desperately want your undivided attention. They do not want to share you. Plus, causing them to re-integrate too quickly into a new family system challenges their sense of trust and worth.
Do not introduce your children to a new partner anytime before six months of knowing that partner. Even at six months, we rarely know another person very well. Repeated loss damages children and causes them to struggle unnecessarily. Protect them by ensuring their needs are always met before your own.
15. While your child is young and under your immediate care, lavish love upon them. Let them know every waking minute how much you care about and appreciate them – how you accept them and are proud of them. Let them know how they fill your heart with joy and that they are loved unconditionally. What a gift this would be for each one of us!
Preserve Your Child's Well-being
This is a rubric for happy, self-confident, well-adjusted children.
Ignoring these simple principles WILL yield detrimental outcomes for the child you love,
who is now moving between two homes because of circumstances beyond their control.
Your child needs the basic protection and security these principles offer.
1. Never speak negatively about or criticize your former spouse or in-laws to your child or anywhere around your child.
2. Never, in any way, create or cause circumstances where your child feels they must choose one parent over the other. They need to love and be loved by both of you.
3. Never communicate anything about completed or pending court proceedings to your child. Child support, attorneys, and court proceedings are adult concerns. These topics are a heavy burden little people are not strong enough to carry.
4. Never directly or indirectly interfere with your child’s legal right to parenting time with their other parent. Parenting time is the legal right of your child – guaranteeing access to their parent – not your legal right for access to your child.
5. Never argue with your former spouse in front of your child, or in circumstances where your child may overhear the argument. Walk away if the other parent starts an argument.
6. Children are not possessions and do not solely belong to you (even if you are their sole legal custodian). Notice the use of “sole” versus “soul.” Children know they are made from two people, and they need these two people to guide, protect, and nurture them.
7. Never interrogate your child after they spend time in the other parent’s care. Children should never be questioned about the co-parent's negligence, poor judgment, or social life. They should not be used to spy or collect information on the co-parent's living habits. Children need a safe bridge from which to ebb and flow between their two homes without becoming trapped in loyalty conflicts between two parents they love.
8. Always respect the fact that all children instinctively desire to love their parents, regardless of that parent’s faults and shortcomings. Your child’s love of a flawed parent does not mean they love you any less. Thus, do not try to artificially limit, restrict, or interfere with your child’s relationship and love for their other parent.
9. Do not use your child as a messenger. If you cannot talk directly to your former spouse, then send him/her a letter, text, or email. Sit with a mediator or neutral third party.
10. Never use your child as a substitute friend or confidant. Take care of your emotional needs, so you are best able to properly care for your child’s emotional needs through the difficult adjustment period following a change in the family system.
11. Never use your child as a negotiating asset in the power struggle with your former spouse, or to punish your former mate. You cannot love your child completely if you remain angry with their other parent. Model forgiveness and healing to provide your child the best chance of remaining psychologically whole after a change in the family system.
12. Parents can usually reach a more creative and child-focused solution than the judicial system is able to offer. If there are not safety concerns present (child abuse, domestic violence, substance abuse, or major mental health problems), then you and the other parent can best honor your child by working together without the emotional and financial burden of involving professionals from the legal system. Goals shape the plan, the plan shapes action, action achieves results, and results bring success!
13. Your child needs one safe place (emotionally) to emerge from your divorce feeling secure and psychologically whole. You cannot control what the other person says or does, but you have absolute control over what your child experiences in your care. Craft the safe atmosphere that children seek and need to survive this major life event and thrive.
14. Do not cause your children to date along with you. Use your own time to explore new relationships. During parenting time with you, your child needs and desperately want your undivided attention. They do not want to share you. Plus, causing them to re-integrate too quickly into a new family system challenges their sense of trust and worth.
Do not introduce your children to a new partner anytime before six months of knowing that partner. Even at six months, we rarely know another person very well. Repeated loss damages children and causes them to struggle unnecessarily. Protect them by ensuring their needs are always met before your own.
15. While your child is young and under your immediate care, lavish love upon them. Let them know every waking minute how much you care about and appreciate them – how you accept them and are proud of them. Let them know how they fill your heart with joy and that they are loved unconditionally. What a gift this would be for each one of us!